If it’s a Question of my Heart…

Nestled in the middle of the long 4-part text I sent to him was a call to action, “I hope you’ll give us a chance,” it said.

I wanted to get to know him and for him to get to know me. I desired, at least that, and I wasn’t afraid to ask for what I wanted and desired. And Lord knows, I wanted and desired him. Hence, in a rare and brave moment on my love journey, I let faith and courage, not fear and ego, rule. I asked for what I wanted.

You see our first date had been two weeks before my ask. We definitely had a connection! Granted we had only been on two dates, but I believe we both felt it.  And he did say ours was the best first date he’s ever been on. We closed out the restaurant on our first date and shared a hot first kiss on the second. 

Then a few days after the second date, he texted me to say, " I like you a lot, but I can't in good faith move along with the reality of us." “What?" I thought. "That’s my line.” I’m usually on the other side of that text.

But karma is such a bitch! You see I am guilty, according to family and friends, of killing many love connections before they start, but for the first time in a while, I didn’t want to call it quit. I made a choice to push forward on something that had the potential to be beautiful. I took a vote all on my own on him, conversely, it seemed like he took his own vote and came up with a nay. So though I called bullshit, I replied in typical AdeOla’s fashion with “I understand and take care,” when what I wanted to say was “Noooo! We had a good time. Damn! Give this a chance! What happened to you dude?”

Oh well, I decided there was a lot more where he came from, and moved on!

Truth is I knew the exact moment he slipped away. He didn’t have to tell me he wouldn’t or couldn’t see me again, because I felt and knew it. It was at the end of our second date and we've just had, in my opinion, a great discussion about politics and the United State of America. He walked me to my door. We hugged, kissed, said our goodnights and then he stepped back to leave. Everything in me was awake from that kiss, and I couldn’t concentrate for the life of me, but I looked up from getting my keys out of my purse and it hit me. This would be our last date! It wasn’t anything he said or did, but I knew it the moment my eyes caught his. I turned my back, put my key in the keyhole, and the emotions from a great second date and from kissing him for the first time fell to my feet. This was going to be over before it started. Sounds familiar? Karma is a bitch!

Anyways, you would think knowing would reduce the jab of rejection when I received his gracious text a few days after explaining life from his point of view. It didn’t, but there was nothing else to say but to graciously understand his desires and wish him well. Fortunately, going on two dates meant the luxury of separation, we were still two separate beings and our emotions were yet to be mingled and entwined as they could have been say six months had passed. I mourned and wondered for a few hours, but I moved on. Then it was Sunday, and I was sitting in church listening to a sermon about fear and faith titled Chase the Lion. Fired up by the speaker’s enthusiasm and his charge to the congregation, I decided it was time to sabotage fear and to go after I wanted and desired. Fortunately, bravery is an easy choice to make sitting in the immediate aftermath of a great sermon.

And for the first time in a long time in love, I laid my ego down and went with asking. Nestled in the middle of the long 4-part text I sent to him was my call to action. Then I tossed and turned the 24 hours it took him to respond with still a negative. Humph!

And that was the end of that…or was it?

image via