I had just finished an interview with a prospective intern when doubt walked into the room. It walked into the room and hit me in my face, and when doubt hits, it is relentless. It taunts me with everything in my life that seem out of place or not in order
Doubt was one of the issues I battled in 2018; doubts about my future, my relationship, my career, and my business amongst others. When doubt hits, I play one record in my head over and over again, “Will God come through on all that I desire and all that he has promised.”
And He usually replies with a scripture verse.
On this particular afternoon, doubt had me cowered alone in the conference room of a coworking space, head on the table and fighting back tears. Then Isaiah 41:10 and 13 - 14 dropped on my heart:
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, you worm Jacob, little Israel, do not fear, for I myself will help you,” declares the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.”
A scripture reminder that God is my helper usually does the trick of pushing through the darkness and providing some relief. Darkness can shroud truth, but it can never change or alter it. Truth just like Christ is consistent; it pushes through the darkness and reveals light. We just have to be reminded of it so often that it sinks into our bones and cells, but that too is a continuous and sometimes daily battle of the mind.
Sometimes, I am able to stop doubt right before it walks through the door by proclaiming truth over my life or the situation I am encountering. Somedays, I am shrouded in so much cloud that Christ in his infinite mercies has to push through the fog with scriptures I have stored deep in my heart, but can’t find the strength to proclaim or even believe.
Just a few weeks before the conference room incident, I was in my room and doubt about my ability to execute a huge project for a client had hit. I was being paid big money, and I couldn’t afford to mess it up. But then doubt about one project erupted into doubt about my abilities and my life in general.
And you guessed it, I had my head down on the tiny work desk in my room crying (read: sobbing). I couldn’t muster up a fight, but then out of my heart push through another scripture:
“I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.” Amen. ⠀
Like how many times in one month do I need to be reminded that he is my helper? If I’m to confess, it was more that twice that month and many more throughout 2018. I can’t confidently say that this truth has sunk into my heart or that I walk in it every moment of the day, but I am getting there. One thing, I am sure of is that in the midst of any storm, I can alway look up and God, my helper, is always there to remind me of things that are true, noble, powerful and freeing.